The other day, I had to run to the pharmacy to pick up meds for my cat. The only thing to get me to brave a public place during the Covid lockdown is something my cat needs. I parked in the back of the lot, put my mask on and bravely walked up to the door. At the door, there was a gentleman with a mask at a table. He was collecting for a charity. The charity was LEAD, Law Enforcement Against Drugs.

The gentleman explained the mission of the charity and talked to me about how bullying, especially cyber bullying, has increased during the lockdown. Child suicide has increased. Our kids are having a hard time and this organization has a mission to make a difference to partner with educators and leaders with effective programs. Of course, I donated.

My story

You could say I’m a soft sell when it comes to charities that help animals and children. But part of it is because I remember when we didn’t have social awareness of how bad it can be for a child. I tell people I don’t remember grade school, but in reality, I do. I do not have happy memories and do not want to have casual conversations about it.

I was overweight, wore glasses, and spoke with a stutter and lisp. First grade marked me as different from the other kids. The bullies pegged me as an easy mark and my fate was sealed. No one in the class knew my name. I was Balloon, Four eyes, Ten Ton Tillie. They mocked how I spoke and poked at my eyes. I cried every day. I hated school. I hated those kids. All I wanted was one friend to play with. But I didn’t get it. During recess, I was alone, playing by myself. I stayed away from the others because if I tried to play with them, I would be picked on. The teachers saw it. They knew. They did nothing. In those days, that was the way of things.

Over the years, school didn’t change much for me. I learned different ways to cope. I was never one of the social kids. I had a few friends in High School. But even in High School, the bullies got worse. They were more violent and aggressive. They spread vicious rumors. The stutter was gone. At times I’d lost weight. I wasn’t slender. I always had glasses, just did not always wear them. Once targeted, if you don’t learn how to not be a victim, bullies will find you.

Victimization becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

Bullies can’t exist without victims. I used to wonder, why me? The simple answer was that in first grade, we are all learning our social skills. Those bratty kids had not been taught how to behave in public. The leaders and teachers let them get away with it. I never got to learn how to gain the confidence to stand up for myself. I was not taught the skills I needed to learn how to deal with bullies.

Plain an simple — it wasn’t my fault. Today, we know better and I for one am very happy to do what I can to ensure another child does not have to suffer what I did. Today, my method of dealing with bullies is to simply walk away, don’t respond. It took me decades to learn to do that.

For many years as an adult, I would fight bullies. In fact, I had a boss who was the classic bully. She would get mad about something in a meeting, then march up to my desk and berate me publicly about things I had no control over. She denigrated me every chance she got. When I stood up for myself, she told me I was defensive. It was a no win situation. Eventually, I got another boss in the same company, but the damage had been done.

Stopping the cycle

I never had the means to simply get up and walk away. I needed my job to pay my bills. When a bully has you in a corner, what do you do? You get help. Today there are lots of places to get help. Schools are now taking a stand against bullies. It is not acceptable behavior. Too bad it is still acceptable behavior for adults. As long as we accept adults being bullies, we will have children being bullies.

There is a very good article in Psychology Today about bullies and how to manage. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bullying

You can reach out to organizations like LEAD (https://www.leadrugs.org/).

There is not a law against bullying, but if it steps over the line to discrimination due to race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation the bully is breaking federal law. You can also get resources to stop bullying at https://www.stopbullying.gov/